Saturday, September 27, 2008

Confessions

One of those nights. Put my kid to bed and saw that innocent look on his face. Saw the naive way he was trying to read words too big to pronunciate. Saw his big smile of love like I'm the greatest guy in the world and his hero. Saw him for every bit the 5 year old boy that he is. Little, impressionable, vulnerable, sweet...

And my stomach just collapses. It was such a rough day. He got scolded by someone at church. The guy grabbed him by his wrist and snapped at him. Right in front of me. 

I must have hauled him out of the room ten times to "take care" of father and son business. I'm not the parent that sits there and let's his kid fool around with a dumb, absent grin on his face. trust me on that one. I'm the hardest one of them all. 

Another guy quasi-snapped at him when my kid kept interupting our conversation. Then someone called him "trouble" later on. 

Another guy carried on this bad joke with him WAAAAAAY to long about how he had heard from others "what a bad kid" he is. 

My son had to face consequences for his disobedience all day long. He also had to face a dad who was over-compensating and embarrassed with him when he was acting out. Probably because he was set up for failure in the first place. At the church, (where he used to have free reign of the place day in and day out when I worked there), with a meeting going on, with no one to pay attention to him... He's a high energy and strong willed kid to begin with.

Set up to fail, and he did. So did I. 

Now I look in on him now when he's sleeping. So perfect and calm. So little. So 5 years old. I want to cry. I want to "confront" the guy that scolded him. I never want to step into another church building if it means I'm setting him up to fail. I want everyone that judges my kid to dare say it to my face. I want him only to interact with the few that "get" him. That love him unconditionally, that have never ending patients with him and like spending time with him.

I know that's a fantasy world too. I just want it to start with me. Let me be all of those things, so when he does have to deal with that nonsense he can always see Christ and His Daddy in heaven through me. 

And I failed today. Big time. There he is, still looking at me like a hero. Crushing my soul.

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