Thursday, October 16, 2008

Grief and sadness.

Jeremiah 14 -

Today's bible reading (well last weeks, but I'm behind.) Honestly one of the saddest I've ever read. And the hardest. So, so, so hard. And I'm not even exaggerating.

There are times when the scriptures are crushing to me and nearly suffocate any hope I have out of me. Just being honest. God is so great, just and full of holy terror. I can't even whisper beneath the weight of his righteousness. It's good to be a casual Calvinist in times like these and hold on to the assurance of my salvation. Or it's better to look to Christ, the Hope of Salvation.

Then there is the ongoing struggles around the world. The persecution of believers in India and Iraq. And a lot of other places. There is the apathy most have towards it, the apathy I battle to maintain. So much of me want to ignore and insulate all over again. What do I do to maintain?

There is a mother of little ones in our church who was just transferred to hospice care. Horrible and sad.

In our little church over the last two years we've had way too many battles with cancer. The odds are not fair.

I miss being on vacation. That seems trite amidst everything else. The sun, the family, the beach. Being with my family all the time and not driving back and forth to work and hour each way. Not getting home after 6 each night. Wondering who we're going to find to babysit my kid each day after school since the original plan fell through.

I hate sucking. I have sucked at life this week. Embarrassingly poorly. Ashamed at my laziness and futile attempts at following Jesus. I don't know how else to put it. I suck.

I hate that I'm struggling even though none of this directly affects me or my family in any serious manner like it does so many others.

Just all together it's too heavy to bear.

Posted by Jason_73

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